A Greatful Heart

silent

2009-12-21T02:14:46Z

there are times when we just feel like that silent observer. sitting in a room full of people. watching a family play together. standing at the airport.

quietly watching the world go by. the strange man in a skunk hat. the noisy woman on the phone sharing her life story for all to hear. visiting a new church.

and there are even those times when it happens within our own family and circle of friends. times when we could fully participate but the joy in standing back. taking a moment. being that silent witness to joy, happiness and love.

i've had that privilege this week. there were definitely times of helping out, holding mollie, changing diapers, distracting maggie, giving hugs and kisses, and making my nieces smile. fully engaging. participating. living.

but some of my favourite moments have been the times of being that silent witness. to watch love, discipline, joy, tears. to stand back. to sit by. not because its better or because i'm tired. because there is something about the privilege of just being there.

and i confess that sometimes i am just overwhelmed. my eyes glaze over. my heart is close to bursting. expanding with thankfulness. grateful that God gives so much. so much in just being silent and taking it all in. that we are not always required to do anything but enjoy the moment. take it all in. silently.

and here are some of my favourite moments living it and not standing back. because lets be honest - how many chances do we really get to stop and really absorb the gift we have in front of us?

choice

2009-12-04T19:45:09Z

vicktor frankl, a survivor of the holocaust once said:

'everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances.'

powerful stuff when you think about it.

in one week my car was stolen, solutions have been provided for within days, my long awaited boxes arrived from england, unpacked boxes showed some broken family and sentimental things, a mother/daughter day was spent visiting the governor's house to see it decorated for christmas, and today i've been baking pecan pie in my kitchen for tonight, an evening with food and friends.

and again i am left with that thought that it really is my choice what i focus on. what gets my attention or drags me down. i have been praying a lot this week. and not just because my car was stolen.

but because i don't want this to be about me. my bad luck. poor decisions. or even just the way it is. i want to see God be glorified in me because He is able to use even a stolen car to bring His name glory. and that is what i liked to see. i want to give praise even if its never found, even if i have to drive a car not of my choice, and even if nothing of consequence seems to come out of it. it is my choice to pray for this and to adjust my attitude to reflect it.

i leave with this thought on prayer from a book a group of us are reading by mark batterson,

'Prayer is less about changing our circumstances and more about changing our perspective.'

thankful for a God who is good all the time and never leaves or forsakes!

gold

2009-11-27T23:41:07Z

so today as i was driving home stretched out before me was an amazing sky. deep dark clouds in layers and just at the horizon a shimmering continuous line of gold bursting forth against the black trees and threatening clouds above.

my first thought was 'God you are so good!' how beautiful. instantly my mind went to that old saying about a sliver lining. but this was a beautiful perfect gold lining. better than silver. more brilliant. gorgeous.

and then i remembered that no one asked me what i was thankful for this thanksgiving. no sharing around the table or friendly conversation. so i thought about what i would have said. what am i thankful for this year? in some ways it is a redundant question because this blog is all about what i am thankful for. every week i share how i see God and his goodness to me and around me.

but what about for 2009? what could i point to? what could i say for a year that in all honesty i would like to end asap. yet that is what i love about the sky that i saw tonight. it reminded me of what i am thankful for most of all.

our God is better than sliver linings. He gives us gold linings. perfectly stretched out from east to west unbroken. and this year i have seen the incredible goodness and mercy of God in a continuous, unstoppable way right next to the dark woods and dooming skies. and that is because His goodness is like the brilliant light that shines brightest and truest against the darkness.

so this year i am thankful for God's goodness to me- His unending, unchanging, unstoppable goodness that is best seen against the hard, difficult and challenging.

i am also thankful that i've gotten to see so much of my family this year- the most in 7 years. i just saw my cousins and in two weeks i get to see my wonderful nieces :)

stuff

2009-11-21T21:20:58Z

recently i was humming . . .

'give thanks with a grateful heart,

give thanks to the Holy One,

give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son.

and now let the weak say i am strong,

let the poor say i am rich,

because of what the Lord has done for me.

give thanks'

and i also read this week a post called treasures that made me think. its so easy to focus on the wrong thing. the wrong stuff.

i still don't know when i will get my stuff from england. apparently its cleared customs but that's about all i know. i've basically been living out of two suitcases for an entire year. i am fed up. i want my things. and i am longing.

longing for a home, longing for my stuff, longing for all the wrong things. focusing on the wrong stuff. the wrong treasure.

and it is the season of giving thanks. i should be thanking Christ for all He's done, for how He has provided. He has given strength when i've felt week. He has supplied even when I doubt. and most of all He has given all to prepare a place for me and a treasure that moth and rust cannot destroy.

my stuff, while seemingly important will rust, and fade, and break and eventually be worthless. and i am so thankful for the reminder that it is not my treasure or my security. i have much greater one :)

comfort

2009-11-13T21:43:51Z

so where do you go for comfort?

a best friend, the gym to work it out, the chocolate aisle?

well for me, i go to the kitchen. when all else fails, when i can't reach a friend and no matter how many walks i go on, the kitchen remains my place of comfort.

its been a bit of a rough week, rattling around in almost empty house, waiting for news about my stuff, tired of looking at items trying to remember if i have that in a box somewhere.

so today i went to the grocery store and bought some food to put in my empty cabinets. and now i am cooking. i love the peace of a kitchen.

the simple sounds of chopping, cutting, scrubbing and bubbling. the smells of onion and garlic simmering. the mess and chaos while creating. the challenge of new recipe or the comfort of an old favourite. one that you've cooked so many times you don't need the recipe. in fact you could almost cook it blind. and then the cleaning up afterwards. a sparkling clean kitchen and yummy food to eat.

thankful that God gives comfort. i know we are to find it in Him. but i think He knows that we are tactile physical beings that need something tangible every once in a while. blessed to know the God of comfort and peace. and blessed to have a kitchen with just enough supplies to cook with for the mean time :)

some images of my new to me kitchen, making one of my favourite comfort foods- soup!

carving

2009-10-31T20:20:08Z

hmmmmm carving. carve a turkey. carve wood. carve out a pumpkin. carve out a new role. carve out our own place.

it got me thinking. while none of the subjects remain the same thing is still required for the carving to actually happen. and to be done well.

you need the right tools. dull blades, knives the wrong size or shape, insufficient information or lacking support all significantly impact the final product.

currently we are carving out a new role for me at work. and this week was spent gathering new tools- good tools at that. communication tools. web tools. meeting new contacts and people. training in current procedures. all very important things for me to do and to carve out my new role.

and i am thankful that God always equips for every good work. thankful that my organization values me and invests in me. thankful for all the great tools i received this week that will help me in the future.

so i carved a pumpkin last week. it was lots of fun. unfortunately it didn't make it to this week. it rotted to the core in less than 5 days. and it was perfect. so its killing me that i can't post of a picture of it this week. but this is where i got it from.

project

2009-10-24T16:31:08Z

i love projects. this week i've made some curtains. i've painted a table for my living room. i've baked and cooked. and scoured places to find great deals and get the best price for my money.

with new projects the designing it, creating it and then seeing it accomplished feels great . but i still think my favourite projects are the ones where you take something old, something broken, something of no value or consequence and turn it into something amazing.

next week i'll be joining some colleagues to work on a monster project. a project that will take more training, more time, more money and more people. we are part of team that is reworking the reachglobal website. and its a doozie.

but i know we are all hopeful and excited to see something that wasn't working to its capabilities and reaching its target eventually be a site of character and worth. it is a huge project but it will be finished. maybe not this week but soon.

so i guess i am thankful for my small projects. my little ways that i've seen progress and growth. big projects can steal our motivation when we don't see progress and so i'm grateful that there are enough little projects to keep me going and to keep me thankful.

my little table- the draws still stick so its not quite finished but man does it look better than when i bought it for ten bucks :)

waiting

2009-10-17T19:10:59Z

so i've been doing a lot waiting these days. delayed flights, long lines, purchasing essentials.

and i'll still be waiting. waiting for the lease to go through. waiting for my boxes to arrive from england. and waiting to be settled in my home, my school and my work.

it is so tempting to want to rush. to get it done faster. to wish time away. to be done with waiting. but i've been learning that waiting doesn't mean just standing still. or doing nothing. it doesn't mean stopping.

i'm amazed that while waiting you can get an incredible amount of things accomplished. and that the waiting only makes you think through decisions more carefully. waiting lets you slow down.

so i'm thankful that i am being made to wait. trusting that eventually i will have a place to live, a car to drive, amazing teachers and classes and role at work that is valuable. and so i'm thankful that Jesus gives us that lesson of yeast and bread to remind us that the best things do come to those who wait!

one of the last things i made in england- a french recipe that i picked up in my travels. can't wait to make it again!

ready

2009-10-03T16:18:45Z

so i'm pretty much ready to go. ready for the next stage. happy for the stability that being at seminary for 4 years will bring. excited for my new role at work. looking forward to having a home with space and storage! anticipating finally getting out of the city.

yep pretty much ready on all accounts . . . that is except for one . . .

i don't think anyone is ever ready to say goodbye. how can you ever be ready to let go of 7 years of building a life. a community. an identity.

how can you ever say goodbye to such a large part of whats makes you who you are?

well i don't think you can. but i am thankful that God is with me. He will help me with every tearful goodbye this week. He will remind me that i can always visit. He will whisper in my ear that i am loved and an ocean cannot seperate me from that love. thankful that when i tempted to dig my heals in and refuse to say goodbye because i'll never be ready that He is ready to meet me, go with me, guide me and love me at each step.

my mom with my almost ready boxes . . .

lost

2009-09-26T08:39:41Z

so what's the first thing you are supposed to do if you get lost?

i believe we are taught as children to stay put, wait, and let ourselves be found.

but can i tell you how hard that is? first to recognize that we are lost in the first place. and then to wait and keep waiting with trust until the moment we are found. we want to fight it, take control and get ourselves out of our situation.

i've been feeling more than a bit lost these days. lost in a sea of boxes. lost in the details. lost in trying to carve out a new identity. lost in the numbers. feeling like a little girl lost in a dress that is way too big for her.

God is teaching me that the best thing to do is to wait to be found. wait for God to rescue. trusting that we have a God who is in the business of finding what is lost. and as His child our job sometimes is just to wait.

thankful for His word poured out on me these last two weeks. thankful my mother will soon be here to help. thankful that God does provide and will provide. thankful God is more than enough.

He will set my feet upon the rock . . .

help

2009-09-05T14:35:59Z

i hate asking for help. somehow it seems weak. especially when one is supposed to be self-sufficient, capable, and mature. shouldn't i be able to handle everything? shouldn't i be strong enough? and i have some favourite excuses that prevent me from asking for help. any of these sound familiar? it will be easier if i just do it myself . . . oh they don't have the time, they're so busy . . . i don't want to inconvenience anyone . . . they'll probably just say no anyway . . . and the excuses continue. and it does feel horrible when you finally do ask for help and then that person can't. do they have any idea how hard it was to ask in the first place? but the thing i have to keep reminding myself is that i still must keep asking. one no should not stop me from the future yeses. the psalms are a great teacher of this. how many times do they call on God for help? and how many times does it seem like God is not answering? but when God does its always amazing- perfect in its timing and incredible in its quantity. so i must believe in God's ability to help me and his desire to provide. i must remember to ask. and above all i must continue to give thanks to God for all he has does and continues to do. from my window this week.

relief

2009-08-28T08:46:52Z

finally everyone knows that i returning to the US. well i at least i think everyone knows :) and i am breathing a huge sigh of relief. i've had to wait over 8 months before i could finally announce my plans. i do not like keeping things hidden, quiet or secret. i am bad at it. mostly because i can't tell a lie. all someone needs to do is ask me the right question and the answer is on my face before i even open my mouth. although living in england has taught me a few things. i have learned that it is ok to give a vague answer- usually because its more than sufficient. i have learned that people really don't want to know your entire life story in five minutes. i have learned that the weather is always a safe topic :) and after almost 7 years of living here i have learned real friendships are for life and difficult circumstances only highlight the real ones. so it has been with very mixed emotions that i've begun packing. surviving off of grilled cheese and coffee at the moment :) but so thankful for friends, for the time spent living overseas and for God's constant care and provision!

sojourner

2009-08-22T21:21:57Z

last week i was sharing a lot of my journey with friends and colleagues and some where in between the sharing and the crying someone wisely said remember to enjoy the journey.

so i 19ve been reflecting on what that means exactly. especially since so much of my journey these last two years have been painful. how are we to enjoy the path of suffering? how do we remember to take our eyes off the painful bits and revel in the tiny God moments along the way?

i have no answers. but i am thankful for the reminder. i have been travelling for two weeks now across europe. a sojourner. at times completely at the will and mercy of others- their hospitality, their mercy and their kindness.

and we are sojourners in this life. travelling. meeting change. having unexpected detours. partners and friendships along the way. and most importantly- totally at the mercy, will and love of God.

hopefully i will meet this bend in the road with joy and take pleasure in the road i 19m on :)

just like my friends and i did travelling through europe!

maps and sat navs are the only way to go . . . the ferry crossing was made special by flocks of seagulls flying alongside us . . .one of the many amusing sights along the way :) enjoying germany . . . and its food :) finally arriving to worship with our colleagues the sign that greeted everyone at auschwitz- 'work gains freedom' beautiful beautiful prague . . . loving how europeans choose to travel :) scenic strasbourg . . . . . . and beautiful stain-glass and finally close to home at canterbury :)

family

2009-08-14T20:29:44Z

i think family is an amazing thing. mostly because i don't have much in the way of biological family members and so i have a great extended family. o the joy of family both related and non. and the privilege

right now my sister-in-law in due any day with their second child. and i am an eager aunt. sad to not be there soon after the baby's birth but so excited to that anticipated day.

and also right now i am with my other family. my co-workers in faith. and i love them. its like a wonderful reunion that lasts an entire week. we worship together. we cry together. we share. and share some more.

so blessed. blessed to have so much family. a growing family. blessed to be in poland with wonderful brothers and sisters in Christ. blessed to have another niece to welcome in the family, to love and to spoil.

todd & beka . . . some of my family over here :)

hallmark

2009-04-03T16:29:03Z

recently i went to lunch with a friend and it made me think about friendship and communication. due to brain surgery to remove a cancerous tumor, he is now legally blind and while we talked about many things i was most curious to know how he now manages to keep in touch with everyone and maintains friendships. mostly because today we have so many forms of communication. there are blogs, texts, phones, emails, websites, tv, newspapers, books, meetings and more that i am sure i have forgotten. but as you can see the list is all visual for the most part. all things we need to read or write. and he simply responded that he just called. or met up with people in person. and the thing is that the friendships that i value the most, the relationships that have survived distance, time and life, the people that matter, well we call each other. my best friend and i talk at least a couple times a week, another good friend and i can talk up to two hours on the phone, if i want to know how some really is i call them, and if we happen to live in the same place, well we see each other. my friends and i in england rarely go a week without seeing each other in person. so while we may keep advancing in technology the hallmarks of true friendship, of a true relationship will always be face time. whether it is on the phone or in person. and few friendships survive without the desire to communicate in a more personal way. we know who our real friends are when calling them is a joy and we can't wait to see them. and i am convinced that the real hallmark of a great relationship is personal communication. thankful for:

* that God desires to communicate with us in a personal way thats why he gave His Spirit!

* face time with some friends this week- either in person or on the phone :)

* enjoying nature, seeing spring arrive each day, and being with God!

well its been a disappointing week as we still don't have the number i need to apply for my visa. i will have to change my flight again and we are now trying to be hopeful that i will be back in england for may. please keep praying. God has a plan and reason for all of this and it really might not be about me :) so pray i respond with grace and more trust in our God of love.

i've been itching to sew- this was one of my last projects months ago . . .

mountain

2009-03-28T00:34:52Z

i've been reflecting on the word 'lesson' lately. everyone keeps asking what lesson i am learning right now. or they seem to think they know what lesson God might have for me so they tell me. but the problem with a lesson, in fact the whole concept of a lesson, is that there is a test at the end. no one takes a lesson or learns a lesson without a test. and i have a problem with this at the moment. for those of you that weren't great test takers maybe you will understand. but i always feel like i've failed a test. i never really know if i have passed or if i have failed. and sometimes we never know if we just squeaked by or if we aced it even when we know we passed. and my real problem with lessons is that we can make God out to be a task master, standing over us, judging us, willing us to do better, and never stopping until we've learnt our lesson and passed the test. and frankly that is not a God i want to serve or spend my life loving. so honestly i don't know what lesson i am supposed be learning right now or if i am making the grade and passing the test. however i do know that i am climbing a mountain. its a mighty big one, there have been set backs, and it is hard yet God has never left me. He is right beside me, helping, encouraging and reminding me that its just a mountain and that He has the power to move but right now its is just best if i learn how to climb it. climbing and thankful for:

* that we serve a God of love who is never an evil task master!

* some nice long sunny walks along the canal :)

* that spring is on its way for real!

please keep praying for me - the requests are the same. i've also been really homesick for england and my friends this week so please pray for some extra love and encouragement from God this week.

we tested the teens abilities to work together last we- i thought it was a success :)

now

2009-03-20T18:05:09Z

i think its funny how people say that God's word doesn't speak to today. that the bible has nothing to say about current events or nothing that speaks to their direct situation. this morning i read in proverbs that . . .

'better is a little with righteousness than great revenues with injustice'

hello did you see the news last night. a 90% tax on all those bonuses!!! and who says the bible doesn't have anything to say today about our world right now. and how about this next verse . . .

'the heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps'

well you all know what's going on in my life and how can that not just speak directly into my circumstances right now. and then for those doubting how about this verse later on . . .

'the lot is cast into the lap, but every decision is from the Lord.'

again its all about living in the now. we need to go with what information we have right now. not what we could have know, or wished we knew yesterday. God's word speaks and it speaks now. and sometimes i find it funny that we (and i mean me) complain about how we want a word from God and we just want to know. well its in His word and it is speaking now for now! now thankful for:

* that God's word is always relevant and always speaks now!

* some positive encouragement with my visa situation :)

* a great evening laughing and sharing stories with a friend and my parents- simple pleasures :)

just keep praying. all is not clear but God has a plan and a direction. pray i gracefully learn all the lessons i need to and that my faith continues to grow and not be shaken.

also really thankful for friends and having a fun night out at a princeton hockey game . . .

gift

2009-03-13T17:17:55Z

right now there are few things that truly feel like a gift. but there has been one that has been a continual gift to me week after week. i am truly thankful to be here with our teens right now. they are God's greatest gift to me during this difficult time. i love spending time with them, being silly together, helping them, listening to them, and just being together. when i am with them everything that i am facing just disappears. they help me to live in the moment. and i am so encouraged by their desire to live out their faith. and selfishly i think i love being with them because they love me. i get hugs all the time, compliments on how i look :), manicures, back rubs, mixed CD's. and i get to love on them, tell them when they are doing a great job, encourage them, believe in them and speak truth into their lives. my time with them is truly a gift- hopefully a mutual gift :) but sometime i am just overwhelmed by the privilege of just getting to be with them. blessed and thankful for:

* God knowing where and for who we are needed at just the right time :)

* some time off to recoup - resting is hard to do sometimes but soooo good!

* the answered prayers of friends :)

it was a long weekend and its taking longer to recover than i had hoped. again another reminder that i really need to take it easy and not push myself. i do find it funny that it is hard not to work :) oh the many many lessons i am learning right now. please just keep praying for my health. i am not really enjoying the side-effects of some of the meds right now.

don't you just want to smile with them?

companions

2009-03-06T20:05:56Z

this morning i read . . .

'we rejoice rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts'

and right now i have two dear friends that are suffering, their circumstances are different than mine but we are learning the path of suffering together. we are companions on the journey. asking tough questions. wondering about this love that God has poured into our hearts, doubting that we have the endurance to get through and trusting that it is not just a futile lesson to improve our character. and what i am learning as we share, cry and pray together is that we need each others hope. we may not have hope for our own personal circumstance but i have hope for my companions on this path of pain, i can believe that this is all not in vain for them. and i am learning that i am not alone. God has not forsaken me, he has not forsaken my friends and in his mercy he has given us each other. there are companions on this long and winding road- Christ shining through my friends walking with me. not without and thankful for:

* God's promise to never forsake and to provide his ministering angels along the way!

* friends that are willing to be there to listen, pray with and help in other practical ways!

* chances to have some fun and just forget - at least for a little bit this week :)

things do seem to be moving along in all areas but i still need prayer to take things slow. there is so much to do and i struggle saying no and holding back from doing everything- i hate to miss out :) or make someone take my burden of work because i can't right now.

at a local princeton v. brown game last week thanks to some friends :)

banner

2009-02-27T14:53:24Z

as i have been preparing a talk that i am giving the teens this sunday i've been reflecting on the verse that says God's banner over us is love. this week i had a circumstance that made me feel like a fool. it was a situation i had misjudged and made me question my own self. in short i did not feel that God's banner over me was love this week. instead i felt like the banner boldly over my head was fool, idiot, unlovable. however the truth of the matter is that its is a falsehood. God never takes that banner of love down nor does he replace it. and as i prepare for the teens this sunday i am reminded that the way we overcome mistruths is by the word of God and the encouragement of His people. God's word affirms over and over that we are loved with a deep, all consuming, everlasting love that can never be overturned, changed or taken away. and it is God's people that remind, admonish and exhort us to remember, believe and live in those truths. i am found lovable and worthy in the sight of God by the blood Christ- my banner of love is written in blood and no one can take that away. thankful for:

* God's love that is immutable, perfect and healing!

* the admonishment of friends- they are God's gift to me :)

* long, peaceful walks along the canal enjoying creation!

i am starting to feel like i live at the church. if they just had a shower i think i could move in :) i suppose that i am over working myself but it helps me keep my mind off of everything so its like a willing torture. i am still struggling with panic attacks but they have eased up the last two days so i am hopeful. please keep praying. i covet your prayers so much.

well at the suggestion of a friend - you can now find me walking along the griggstown canal everyday at dusk . . .

control

2009-02-20T14:30:31Z

its 5:55am. i am wide awake. my heart is pounding so hard it feels like its going to explode out of my chest. for a moment there i think i am going to die. then the rational side of my brain kicks in and i talk myself out of it. remembering that its just a panic attack. i am not going to die. i focus on my breathing and eventually my heart slows down a bit. it was my 4th one in the last month so i am getting pretty good at calming myself down. although that tight iron band that grips my chest continues to stay with me day after day. and i hate that i am not in control of this. i am starting to think that i need to get to the doctors and i hate the doctors. i never take medicine. in fact i make it my mission in life to never go. i can go years without going to one. but clearly my body along with everything else is out of my control. and this frustrates me to no end. part of me is mad at myself. i feel so pathetic, so weak, so out of control. it makes no sense to me. God and i are good so why am i suffering with anxiety? i trust God, i hear His voice, feel His presence, know His love and care for me. so why this? and whenever ever i share my concern with a friend they seem to think that i am not trusting God, that i must be fighting Him or that i really haven't surrendered to Him. how can i explain that it is not true. i am in a new and wonderful place with God and yet He is choosing to teach me that even my body is in His control and not mine. God is literally taking everything out my control including my health right now. in His control and thankful for:

* God's mercies that are new every morning!

* seeing my friend dave this weekend- its been 4 years!!!

* the love and encouragement of friends this week :)

please just keep praying for me and my circumstances. please also pray for my health and the wisdom to know if i really need to get to the doctors or that this will just pass on its own. pray that i keep relying on God for my ultimate strength and comfort.

battle

2009-02-13T13:41:37Z

it has been a fight to remain joyful, positive and trusting lately. i feel like i am in a battle. sometimes advancing and making progress. and other times defeated with no strength to stand. last weekend was wonderful. there was so much pleasure in being with all of my family. when your family is as small as mine and more than half of them are in one room for a whole weekend you can't be anything but joyful. the battle didn't feel so rough then- in fact it was easy to forget and just celebrate. however reality soon set in and my cousins wedding now seems like a distant memory. and i am deep in the frontlines this week, with the horizon just beyond my reach. yet i take comfort that i am not alone, God is with me, He has given me comrades and He has assured me of the final outcome irrespective of what happens in this particular battle. so while it might be a fight and i grow weary and lose strength, Jesus promises that he has overcome the world. victory is certain. battling but thankful:

* that God is our strength and strong tower- our great defender!

* for an amazing time at my cousins wedding with my family :)

* the provision of some space at the church office so i can get all this work done!

its been another hard week and i am sorry that so many of my posts seem to reflect that. i truly am thankful tho for my church giving me the spare office so i can continue to get work done. my big project right now is helping get the teens over to england this summer. and then i'll be working on another project for our europe office. i am a bit overwhelmed with work at the moment so please pray that i organize my time wisely and also say no when i need to :) there are also some personal situations that need a lot of prayer and wisdom right now, please pray that i make wise decisions regarding these circumstances.

my cousin and his bride . . .

surrendered

2009-02-06T14:32:58Z

i love to plan. i have plan for the next year, some five year goals and few life goals. and i plan my life accordingly. i feel its important not to go through life haphazardly and i want a life that makes the most of every opportunity. i desire to live a wise life and so i try to plan with God's ultimate will and pleasure at the forefront. so when i say that most of 2009 was already planned down to the last month i do not exaggerate. but nor did i make those plans without prayer or considering God's direction on my life and ministry. and these last two weeks i was taken to a new place by God. i came to the plan of absolute and complete surrender. forced would be more like it. because right now almost nothing in my life is under my control. i cannot plan because there are too many unknowns, too many details that are not answered and will not be in the foreseeable future. my life is not my own. and i have a choice. i can fight God in this and His ultimate plan or i can be surrendered to Him. i can either seek to find answers and make meaning out of nothing, causing my head to hurt in the process or i can accept that i do not know God's plan, trust that He cares for me and that this is for my best. it is not easy or without pain. it needs to be taken back to God everyday. surrendering again and again. surrendered but thankful for:

* that when we are tried and tested we will come forth as gold!

* getting to spend my birthday with a good portion of my friends- i felt so loved :)

* God's traveling mercies between all the snow and heightened security!

thank you for praying and standing in the gap with me. while i'm not really sure what i feel most of the time and i am glad to be here for my cousins wedding this weekend. this is really important to my family and the pleasure of seeing them and celebrating with them is easing the pain of my departure. please keep praying for me as i have quite a lot of work on for next week- some of which will be easier because i am in the US and other bits will be more of a challenge to get accomplished.

just a few of the reasons it was so hard to leave . . .

birthday

2009-01-30T09:40:55Z

29. today. technically i know its just a number. but its a number that is awfully close to the big 3-0 and so i'm struggling a bit today. i think this is the first birthday that i've ever had that i am not wholly looking forward to. in the past i have always eagerly anticipated my birthdays, joyfully turning a new chapter in life and thankful to be just that one year older. but lately i find myself wanting to say stop! time is flying by, everything keeps going faster and faster and i don't want to get older anymore :) laugh all you want at me but don't deny you haven't sometimes felt it too. so how do i plan to get around this hurdle? well i am glad you asked. . . today i will make my own birthday cake and cupcakes- both nigella lawson creations- her old fashion chocolate cake and her chocolate cherry cupcakes- yum, then i have booked in a full body massage (one of my most favourite birthday traditions) after that i will probably clean the house because 18 or so of my friends are coming round for cake, and then i will put on something pretty and go to dinner at one my favourite restaurants for an amazing meal with a whole lot of my friends and finally we will eat cake! to me it sounds like the ideal plan to have a great birthday even if you're not quite sure you want to celebrate :) thankful for:

* God giving life and breathe and all good things!

* all the love, encouragement, emails and prayers everyone has sent during this drama with my visa situation :)

* that my back is no longer is pain!!

this has been a hard week and yet i have seen God's tender love and mercy all the more because of it. i have been leaning on the prayers and encouragement of others this whole week and while it might not have stopped the tears it has brought peace. please keep praying- there was more bad news today. my sponsor needs to be interviewed with the government and the earliest date they could set is 18 March! so i will be in the US at least til the end of March. please pray for this situation- i no longer know what to say or ask for.

i don't think i'll repeat what i did 28 years ago but you never know . . .

simple

2009-01-23T09:36:13Z

in my heart i am a girl of simple pleasures. i find true joy and contentment in the simplest things. and often times i wonder if it is a test. everything changed in a moment this week, life thrown into chaos, tempting me to loose joy and fail to appreciate the simple beauties and tiny God moments along the way. but i refuse to be struck down or to forget the goodness of God expressed in simple things. and i thought i would just share some of my simple pleasures- things that never fail to bring a smile to my face and deep sigh of satisfaction- even in despite of circumstances. i love lazy saturday mornings with friends making pancakes, bright glistening sun, vases of tulips, lying in the grass -especially if there's a large hill nearby to roll down, a clean kitchen, a cup of tea in a quite house, views from tall buildings or mountains, a hug from a friend, a rainbow - especially when its seen at a moment of crisis, hot-air balloons at sunset, coffee with a friend and the list could go on and on. simply thankful for:

* the God of all things, great and small, simple and profound :)

* my team, all their effort and support-especially when the chips are down!

* God having an ultimate plan even when its not our plan!

this has been a rough week. my back has been in so much pain that i haven't been sleeping and what sleep i've been having is full of nightmares and intense dreams. not exactly my favourite. please pray that my back settles down soon and that i start getting better sleep- its be going on for two weeks now. and of course pray for my visa situation. you all know whats happening because of the updates but please keep praying it all works out and i can get my visa as soon as possible.

some images of simple pleasures from this week. (and that rainbow was seen right after i got off the phone with my boss and immigration . . . )