so today as i was driving home stretched out before me was an amazing sky. deep dark clouds in layers and just at the horizon a shimmering continuous line of gold bursting forth against the black trees and threatening clouds above.

recently i was humming . . .

so where do you go for comfort?

hmmmmm carving. carve a turkey. carve wood. carve out a pumpkin. carve out a new role. carve out our own place. 

i love projects. this week i've made some curtains. i've painted a table for my living room. i've baked and cooked. and scoured places to find great deals and get the best price for my money.

so i've been doing a lot waiting these days. delayed flights, long lines, purchasing essentials.

so i'm pretty much ready to go. ready for the next stage. happy for the stability that being at seminary for 4 years will bring. excited for my new role at work. looking forward to having a home with space and storage! anticipating finally getting out of the city.

yep pretty much ready on all accounts . . . that is except for one . . .

i don't think anyone is ever ready to say goodbye. how can you ever be ready to let go of 7 years of building a life. a community. an identity.

how can you ever say goodbye to such a large part of whats makes you who you are?

well i don't think you can. but i am thankful that God is with me. He will help me with every tearful goodbye this week. He will remind me that i can always visit. He will whisper in my ear that i am loved and an ocean cannot seperate me from that love. thankful that when i tempted to dig my heals in and refuse to say goodbye because i'll never be ready that He is ready to meet me, go with me, guide me and love me at each step.

my mom with my almost ready boxes . . .

so what's the first thing you are supposed to do if you get lost?

i believe we are taught as children to stay put, wait, and let ourselves be found.

but can i tell you how hard that is? first to recognize that we are lost in the first place. and then to wait and keep waiting with trust until the moment we are found. we want to fight it, take control and get ourselves out of our situation.

i've been feeling more than a bit lost these days. lost in a sea of boxes. lost in the details. lost in trying to carve out a new identity. lost in the numbers. feeling like a little girl lost in a dress that is way too big for her.

God is teaching me that the best thing to do is to wait to be found. wait for God to rescue. trusting that we have a God who is in the business of finding what is lost. and as His child our job sometimes is just to wait.

thankful for His word poured out on me these last two weeks. thankful my mother will soon be here to help. thankful that God does provide and will provide. thankful God is more than enough.

He will set my feet upon the rock . . .

 

i hate asking for help. somehow it seems weak. especially when one is supposed to be self-sufficient, capable, and mature. shouldn't i be able to handle everything? shouldn't i be strong enough? and i have some favourite excuses that prevent me from asking for help. any of these sound familiar? it will be easier if i just do it myself . . . oh they don't have the time, they're so busy . . . i don't want to inconvenience anyone . . . they'll probably just say no anyway . . . and the excuses continue. and it does feel horrible when you finally do ask for help and then that person can't. do they have any idea how hard it was to ask in the first place? but the thing i have to keep reminding myself is that i still must keep asking. one no should not stop me from the future yeses. the psalms are a great teacher of this. how many times do they call on God for help? and how many times does it seem like God is not answering? but when God does its always amazing- perfect in its timing and incredible in its quantity. so i must believe in God's ability to help me and his desire to provide. i must remember to ask. and above all i must continue to give thanks to God for all he has does and continues to do. from my window this week.

finally everyone knows that i returning to the US. well i at least i think everyone knows :) and i am breathing a huge sigh of relief. i've had to wait over 8 months before i could finally announce my plans. i do not like keeping things hidden, quiet or secret. i am bad at it. mostly because i can't tell a lie. all someone needs to do is ask me the right question and the answer is on my face before i even open my mouth. although living in england has taught me a few things. i have learned that it is ok to give a vague answer- usually because its more than sufficient. i have learned that people really don't want to know your entire life story in five minutes. i have learned that the weather is always a safe topic :) and after almost 7 years of living here i have learned real friendships are for life and difficult circumstances only highlight the real ones. so it has been with very mixed emotions that i've begun packing. surviving off of grilled cheese and coffee at the moment :) but so thankful for friends, for the time spent living overseas and for God's constant care and provision!

last week i was sharing a lot of my journey with friends and colleagues and some where in between the sharing and the crying someone wisely said remember to enjoy the journey.

so i 19ve been reflecting on what that means exactly. especially since so much of my journey these last two years have been painful. how are we to enjoy the path of suffering? how do we remember to take our eyes off the painful bits and revel in the tiny God moments along the way?

i have no answers. but i am thankful for the reminder. i have been travelling for two weeks now across europe. a sojourner. at times completely at the will and mercy of others- their hospitality, their mercy and their kindness.

and we are sojourners in this life. travelling. meeting change. having unexpected detours. partners and friendships along the way. and most importantly- totally at the mercy, will and love of God.

hopefully i will meet this bend in the road with joy and take pleasure in the road i 19m on :)

just like my friends and i did travelling through europe!

 

 

maps and sat navs are the only way to go . . . the ferry crossing was made special by flocks of seagulls flying alongside us . . .one of the many amusing sights along the way :) enjoying germany . . . and its food :) finally arriving to worship with our colleagues the sign that greeted everyone at auschwitz-  'work gains freedom' beautiful beautiful prague . . . loving how europeans choose to travel :) scenic strasbourg . . . . . . and beautiful stain-glass and finally close to home at canterbury :)

i think family is an amazing thing. mostly because i don't have much in the way of biological family members and so i have a great extended family. o the joy of family both related and non. and the privilege

right now my sister-in-law in due any day with their second child. and i am an eager aunt. sad to not be there soon after the baby's birth but so excited to that anticipated day.

and also right now i am with my other family. my co-workers in faith. and i love them. its like a wonderful reunion that lasts an entire week. we worship together. we cry together. we share. and share some more.

so blessed. blessed to have so much family. a growing family. blessed to be in poland with wonderful brothers and sisters in Christ. blessed to have another niece to welcome in the family, to love and to spoil.

todd & beka  . . . some of my family over here :)

 

recently i went to lunch with a friend and it made me think about friendship and communication. due to brain surgery to remove a cancerous tumor, he is now legally blind and while we talked about many things i was most curious to know how he now manages to keep in touch with everyone and maintains friendships. mostly because today we have so many forms of communication. there are blogs, texts, phones, emails, websites, tv, newspapers, books, meetings and more that i am sure i have forgotten. but as you can see the list is all visual for the most part. all things we need to read or write. and he simply responded that he just called. or met up with people in person. and the thing is that the friendships that i value the most, the relationships that have survived distance, time and life, the people that matter, well we call each other. my best friend and i talk at least a couple times a week, another good friend and i can talk up to two hours on the phone, if i want to know how some really is i call them, and if we happen to live in the same place, well we see each other. my friends and i in england rarely go a week without seeing each other in person. so while we may keep advancing in technology the hallmarks of true friendship, of a true relationship will always be face time. whether it is on the phone or in person. and few friendships survive without the desire to communicate in a more personal way. we know who our real friends are when calling them is a joy and we can't wait to see them. and i am convinced that the real hallmark of a great relationship is personal communication. thankful for:

i've been reflecting on the word 'lesson' lately. everyone keeps asking what lesson i am learning right now. or they seem to think they know what lesson God might have for me so they tell me. but the problem with a lesson, in fact the whole concept of a lesson, is that there is a test at the end. no one takes a lesson or learns a lesson without a test. and i have a problem with this at the moment. for those of you that weren't great test takers maybe you will understand. but i always feel like i've failed a test. i never really know if i have passed or if i have failed. and sometimes we never know if we just squeaked by or if we aced it even when we know we passed. and my real problem with lessons is that we can make God out to be a task master, standing over us, judging us, willing us to do better, and never stopping until we've learnt our lesson and passed the test. and frankly that is not a God i want to serve or spend my life loving. so honestly i don't know what lesson i am supposed be learning right now or if i am making the grade and passing the test. however i do know that i am climbing a mountain. its a mighty big one, there have been set backs, and it is hard yet God has never left me. He is right beside me, helping, encouraging and reminding me that its just a mountain and that He has the power to move but right now its is just best if i learn how to climb it. climbing and thankful for:

i think its funny how people say that God's word doesn't speak to today. that the bible has nothing to say about current events or nothing that speaks to their direct situation. this morning i read in proverbs that . . .

right now there are few things that truly feel like a gift. but there has been one that has been a continual gift to me week after week. i am truly thankful to be here with our teens right now. they are God's greatest gift to me during this difficult time. i love spending time with them, being silly together, helping them, listening to them, and just being together. when i am with them everything that i am facing just disappears. they help me to live in the moment. and i am so encouraged by their desire to live out their faith. and selfishly i think i love being with them because they love me. i get hugs all the time, compliments on how i look :), manicures, back rubs, mixed CD's. and i get to love on them, tell them when they are doing a great job, encourage them, believe in them and speak truth into their lives. my time with them is truly a gift- hopefully a mutual gift :) but sometime i am just overwhelmed by the privilege of just getting to be with them. blessed and thankful for:

this morning i read . . .

as i have been preparing a talk that i am giving the teens this sunday i've been reflecting on the verse that says God's banner over us is love. this week i had a circumstance that made me feel like a fool. it was a situation i had misjudged and made me question my own self. in short i did not feel that God's banner over me was love this week. instead i felt like the banner boldly over my head was fool, idiot, unlovable. however the truth of the matter is that its is a falsehood. God never takes that banner of love down nor does he replace it. and as i prepare for the teens this sunday i am reminded that the way we overcome mistruths is by the word of God and the encouragement of His people. God's word affirms over and over that we are loved with a deep, all consuming, everlasting love that can never be overturned, changed or taken away. and it is God's people that remind, admonish and exhort us to remember, believe and live in those truths. i am found lovable and worthy in the sight of God by the blood Christ- my banner of love is written in blood and no one can take that away. thankful for:

* God's love that is immutable, perfect and healing!

* the admonishment of friends- they are God's gift to me :)

* long, peaceful walks along the canal enjoying creation!

i am starting to feel like i live at the church. if they just had a shower i think i could move in :) i suppose that i am over working myself but it helps me keep my mind off of everything so its like a willing torture. i am still struggling with panic attacks but they have eased up the last two days so i am hopeful. please keep praying. i covet your prayers so much.

well at the suggestion of a friend - you can now find me walking along the griggstown canal everyday at dusk . . .

its 5:55am. i am wide awake. my heart is pounding so hard it feels like its going to explode out of my chest. for a moment there i think i am going to die. then the rational side of my brain kicks in and i talk myself out of it. remembering that its just a panic attack. i am not going to die. i focus on my breathing and eventually my heart slows down a bit. it was my 4th one in the last month so i am getting pretty good at calming myself down. although that tight iron band that grips my chest continues to stay with me day after day. and i hate that i am not in control of this. i am starting to think that i need to get to the doctors and i hate the doctors. i never take medicine. in fact i make it my mission in life to never go. i can go years without going to one. but clearly my body along with everything else is out of my control. and this frustrates me to no end. part of me is mad at myself. i feel so pathetic, so weak, so out of control. it makes no sense to me. God and i are good so why am i suffering with anxiety? i trust God, i hear His voice, feel His presence, know His love and care for me. so why this? and whenever ever i share my concern with a friend they seem to think that i am not trusting God, that i must be fighting Him or that i really haven't surrendered to Him. how can i explain that it is not true. i am in a new and wonderful place with God and yet He is choosing to teach me that even my body is in His control and not mine. God is literally taking everything out my control including my health right now. in His control and thankful for:

it has been a fight to remain joyful, positive and trusting lately. i feel like i am in a battle. sometimes advancing and making progress. and other times defeated with no strength to stand. last weekend was wonderful. there was so much pleasure in being with all of my family. when your family is as small as mine and more than half of them are in one room for a whole weekend you can't be anything but joyful. the battle didn't feel so rough then- in fact it was easy to forget and just celebrate. however reality soon set in and my cousins wedding now seems like a distant memory. and i am deep in the frontlines this week, with the horizon just beyond my reach. yet i take comfort that i am not alone, God is with me, He has given me comrades and He has assured me of the final outcome irrespective of what happens in this particular battle. so while it might be a fight and i grow weary and lose strength, Jesus promises that he has overcome the world. victory is certain. battling but thankful: